“SHE STUDIED EVERY SENTENCE; AND HER FEELINGS TOWARDS ITS WRITER WERE AT TIMES WIDELY DIFFERENT. . . THEY WERE HOPELESS OF REMEDY.” –– Narration of Elizabeth Bennet’s thoughts upon reviewing Darcy’s letter
But how do you express what it is like to see your first book available to buy on Amazon.com as a published work? Now, THAT was a total freak-out moment! Giddy would be too weak of a word. I simply jumped up and down and hugged everyone I could find. I happened to be at work and nearly hugged my patients and their family members! If they hadn’t been sleeping, sedated, restrained, and in a bit less clothing than the usual person I hug, I very well night have!
When I started writing in April last year, I wrote because Darcy and Elizabeth were alive in my head. They would have conversations with each other. I would see scenes play out and I realized that with all these ideas coming to me, I would either be declared incompetent (because hearing voices generally is not regarded as healthy), or I should start writing the scenes down. So I wrote and wrote and wrote. I think my daughters began calling me by my given name, Jeanna, instead of mom because I was so focused that I tuned the “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!” out. When I finished I thought there would be no greater feeling than writing the words “The End”. But I was wrong. When I saw my final cover after 5 months of watching the original painting progress, I do believe I thought there was no greater emotional climax. I thought when I saw the cover I would feel justified in such a reaction, that is until I read through the final draft after the last edits. I cannot describe how wonderful it made me feel to see and hear my words purified and polished into something that shined. So once again I thought the feeling could not be improved upon. I was wrong. This morning, Mr. Darcy’s Promise is officially published! Freak-out moment!
Last week as I made the final review, I found myself fearful for the first time in submitting it to for everyone read. Why? Well, for me, and perhaps for other authors . . . my heart is in those pages. I literally healed from the pain of my divorce as I wrote about a forced marriage scenario. I wrote about Elizabeth thinking she was in a loveless marriage and slowly learning that she is loved and valued more than Pemberley! My heart grew by leaps and bounds. And for the first time in many years, I considered the possibility of being open to the idea of finding my own Mr. Darcy. Love could still exist for me. I was not a hopeless case (that is unless you count the Darcy obsession). But as the publishing neared, I had a great deal of trepidation. Was I strong enough to hear that someone didn’t like it? The very words that healed my heart? Was I ready to hear critique of my “baby”? I was reminded by my nephew that I only decided to publish it because writing the book was fun and therapeutic, not to mention it is a darn good story!
So I did it. Yesterday I hit the submit button and it is now officially available in both paperback and Ebook on Amazon.com My heart is now available for any and all to read. You know what? Writing and publishing a romance novel as a single woman is somewhat akin to letting strangers read their journal! And for me, perhaps more than others, my heart is on those pages. So as Jane Austen narrates Elizabeth’s feelings about Darcy’s letter, she writes that her feelings were at times “widely different” and so too must I remember that there will be a wide range of opinions on “my heart”. But I can tell you-- this freak-out moment? . . . I do hope it lasts for a while and it is my every hope that it is “hopeless of remedy.”
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